I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
