youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
