Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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