I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
