I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
