Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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