He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
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The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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