You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
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He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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