I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
