I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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