I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
