just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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