Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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