yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
