Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
