DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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