That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
