I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
