sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
