david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
