ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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