John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
