Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
