I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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