seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
