4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
