my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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