Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
