literally had 100 drinks last night.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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