how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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