Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
