my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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