I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
