There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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