just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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