because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
