new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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