I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
