Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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