I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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