Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
