I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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