i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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