I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
