he puts the penis in happiness.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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