I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
