if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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