Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm at about main and main street
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
