I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
