I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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