He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
