I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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