I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
