I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
