i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
