Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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