1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
