Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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