I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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